Lessons from the lineup: the power of showing up for each other

If you know me, you know I love surfing. It is my ultimate counterbalance to our snowy mountain life, and on a recent trip to Hawaii, I spent every possible moment in the water.

But a few days ago, the ocean reminded me who is really in charge. I was on the beach at my usual break, stretching and getting ready to paddle out, when I saw a big shark cruising through the lineup. It was enough to make me grab my board, get back in the car, and go surf somewhere else entirely.

After that first session at a different beach, my mind kept drifting back to my normal spot. I remembered an interview I once saw with big-wave pioneer Brett Lickle talking about the massive swells at Jaws. He told a story about a horrific wipeout where a surfer was badly injured, but explained that the most crucial thing to do in that moment was to force yourself to keep paddling back out to the peak. He knew that if he didn't—if he let the fear take root right then and there—it would completely overcome him, and he might never paddle out again.

So, I drove back to the break where I had seen the shark. To my relief, I saw a friend already out in the water. Taking a deep breath, I forced myself to paddle out and join him.

The waves were perfect, and we ended up surfing for two hours. Being back in the water, surrounded by familiar motion and sharing the lineup with a friend, helped quiet the alarm bells in my head.

The next morning, I showed up to the same spot again, but this time I was alone. The waves looked beautiful, but standing on the sand, I felt a heavy knot of uncertainty about paddling out by myself. So, I picked up my phone and called a friend, asking if he would mind coming over. He only had thirty minutes before he had to clock in for work, but he came anyway.

We had the whole break to ourselves, and the waves were playful and easy. During our session, I turned to him and thanked him for showing up when I felt unsteady. He smiled and said something simple that has stayed with me ever since: “Gaby, sometimes it is not all about surfing.”

And he was right.

Sometimes it is about courage. Sometimes it is about refusing to let fear grow bigger than it needs to be. And sometimes, it is simply about the power of friendship.

I often think about that when I think of my friend. He is the one I always go to Honolua Bay with on the big swells, the days I would never want to paddle out into alone. Out there we push each other to go for the next best wave. Even when we are both completely in the zone, mentally surfing in our own separate worlds, just knowing he is sitting there in the lineup changes everything. It gives me the quiet confidence to take the drop on a steeper set, to risk a heavy wipeout, and to push beyond my own limits.

In many ways, that is exactly how children build confidence, too.

They do not become brave because someone tells them to be brave. They become brave because someone is there beside them. A parent, a teacher, a nanny, a friend. Someone sitting in their own version of the lineup.

Children still face the drop themselves. They still take the risk, try the new ski run, drop into the halfpipe, or join the new group at school. But the quiet presence of someone they trust gives them the courage to try.

So much of childcare is not about controlling every moment. It is about showing up. Sitting beside them. Letting them know they are not alone as they paddle toward the next wave.

Sometimes courage does not come from within first. Sometimes it begins simply because someone is there in the lineup.

Sometimes it is not all about the waves. Sometimes, it is simply about who paddles out with you.