Choosing Your Child’s Person

In a seasonal town like Aspen, childcare can sometimes feel like a revolving door. Families come for the winter. Caregivers come and go. In transient environments, consistency can feel almost impossible to find.

I met a family in September 2023, when their little boy had just turned four. After our first meeting, I kept seeing them whenever they visited Aspen for the holidays, until they moved here full-time.

When they moved, I asked his mom if it would be better for them to find a full-time nanny since I travel often. Even though I loved this kid, I thought he might need more consistency than I could offer.

But what does "consistency" actually mean? Does it mean finding someone who is physically there 24/7? Or does it mean being the person who consistently shows up when needed? Is it the security of knowing you can count on someone, even if they aren't always in the same zip code?

His mom asked me for something incredibly intentional. She didn’t want a full-time nanny; she wanted me to be her son’s "person" whenever I was in town. She understood a vital piece of childhood development: children need to build long-term relationships outside their immediate family circle to help them grow into healthy adults. They need familiar voices, steady rhythms, and relationships that don't fade away just because the seasons change.

Months sometimes pass while I travel or they leave for the summer, but there is never an awkward reentry period. We pick up exactly where we left off.

We build things. We hike trails. We get into art projects. We read a lot of books—he is probably the reason my English got better. We ski. We talk about school, feelings, and whatever big ideas are living in his busy mind that day. Every time I see him, I am reminded that caregiving isn’t just about watching the clock until parents get back. It is about becoming part of a child’s world in a way that lasts.

More Than Just a Nanny

When parents hire a nanny, they are not just choosing someone to make snacks or ensure physical safety. They are choosing another adult voice in their child’s life. They are selecting someone whose reactions, patience, boundaries, and conflict-resolution skills will become a foundational part of the child’s worldview.

Research on attachment theory—including notable studies by developmental psychologist Heidi Keller—highlights that a close, positive relationship with trusted caregivers allows children to experience optimal social and emotional development.

While parents are the center of that world, a consistent caregiver becomes a meaningful secondary attachment. This is not a replacement for the parent's role, but an extension of the child's safety net—another steady place where a child feels understood, accepted, and safe to be exactly who they are.

Co-Regulation: Borrowing Calm

Children are not born knowing how to manage frustration. They learn to manage their nervous systems by "borrowing" the calm of the adults around them—a developmental concept known as co-regulation.

When a child feels overwhelmed, a trusted adult helps bring them back to baseline by staying grounded enough for the child to anchor themselves.

I experienced this firsthand after a long day with my little friend. We were both tired, hungry, and cranky. Somehow, we found ourselves in a back-and-forth argument over something trivial—the kind of dispute that only happens when everyone desperately needs a snack.

At one point, I caught myself: Am I seriously trying to win an argument with a six-year-old? I stopped, took a breath, and said, "You know, it is completely okay if we do not agree on this."

He looked at me, paused, and said, "Yes, you are right."

The entire conflict dissolved instantly. He realized he could let go, disagree with me, and still be safe. That kind of emotional flexibility comes from a relationship where a child knows their connection isn't threatened by a difficult moment.

Rupture and Repair: The Hidden Lesson

In developmental psychology, this cycle of conflict and resolution is called rupture and repair.

• The Rupture: The hard moment. The misunderstanding. The tired argument.

• The Repair: The reconnection. The apology. The return to safety.

Many adults feel pressure to be perfect around children, but the repair is where the most important learning happens. A healthy relationship isn't one without frustration; it’s one where the child learns that conflict is a normal part of life, and connection always returns afterward. Secure relationships promise resilience, not a conflict-free childhood.

The Power of Showing Up

I FaceTimed him recently for his 7th birthday. He eagerly showed me where he was and updated me on everything happening in his world. It was a real, meaningful conversation. It felt exactly like catching up with a little friend.

I thought about his mother’s decision years ago. She chose continuity. She allowed her son to build a lasting bond with an adult outside his immediate family, spanning different ages and seasons.

When parents choose the people who come close to their children, they are choosing the emotional environment their child will grow inside. In a world where so much is temporary, giving a child a trusted adult outside of their closest circle is a profound gift.

Children don’t remember us by the number of days we were there. They remember the safety they felt around us, the way we listened to their stories, and the comfort of knowing that no matter how much time has passed, we can always pick up right where we left off.